Not a good day
Yesterday was not a good day. Proof that even with my cleaned-up blog presence, tumblr just makes it far too easy to get at the stuff I don’t need. I may not be coming around here anymore.
Yesterday was not a good day. Proof that even with my cleaned-up blog presence, tumblr just makes it far too easy to get at the stuff I don’t need. I may not be coming around here anymore.
I’m sitting at a Starbucks on my laptop, just “unfollowed” my last remaining smut blog.
Props to me.
So for some reason, my employer blocks one of the many adult-themed tumblrs I was following, therefore I can’t access it to “unfollow”. This presents me with the touchy situation of logging into my blog about leaving pornography behind and having to see all of the updated posts from that one last tumblr. Nice. My solution is going to have to be accessing tumblr from an offsite location and getting that one last tumblr to “unfollow” status.
One thing i talked with my therapist about recently is “breaking the patterns”. Since this is clearly a deeply learned and habitual behavior, I have to seek to find ways to change as much about what I’ve been doing as possible. It is funny, I have even noticed that simply pulling into my office parking lot sometimes triggers my brain to think about how I can act out. I am pretty sure I need to change at least these things:
1. My office setup. It is way too private and concealed, both me and my computer screen. I need to be in a place where even if I have an urge to do something inappropriate, I can’t.
2. Oen door policy. I often have my office door closed since I am called upon to hold many sensitive conversations throughout the day. Plus I like that I can focus and crank away without interruption or distraction. Of course in the real world, I have wasted mountains of time behind closed doors doing other things, so it certainly costs more than the benefits. I will find a way to keep that door open as much as possible.
3. Find other ways to “deal”. At the end of the day, I did this crap because I was too scared, anxious, worried, self-doubting, or otherwise to do what I am supposed to be doing all day. The answer will be to A) find other, more positive, ways to get away from those feelings and more importantly B) work through them, understand them, examine them, and most likely dismiss them as flawed thinking so I can in fact do what I’m here to do.
On that note, I’m going to re-do my SMART CBA now and then get back to work.
Hi all (as if anyone’s reading this). I’m done with wasting my life relentlessly and brainlessly pursuing pictures of naked women. It won’t be easy to do (I’ve only been trying to quit since 2003…), and my first choice would be to simply blow up this whole blog. However, since Tumblr apparently doesn’t have a delete feature (or more accurately since pressing the delete button does absolutely nothing…) I am converting this blog, once dedicated to smut, to my efforts to clean it up.
I have lots of issues, this is only one of them, but this is the one that threatens me and the things I hold dear the most.
If porn is your primary interest on Tumblr, then you may want to reconsider whether or not you want to continue following me, because I am now more likely to be a buzzkill for you than anything…
